— My Story—
FINDINGS WITHIN
Transitioning lives …
I was 3 ½ years old when I was adopted by my German parents from Korea and raised in a predominantly white town in South Germany. Without any memory of the previous years of my life in Korea, I immediately adapted to the new environment. I stopped speaking Korean and didn’t want to engage in anything that reminded me of my Korean origin until I turned 18.
I grew up in a loving and caring home with many moments of joy and things seemed to go well from the outside as I tried to fulfill the sweet and perfectly assimilated adoptive daughter’s image. Deep inside, though, I struggled with my conflicting emotions, and felt like an alien to my Korean roots. I desperately wanted to blend in with the other kids. My fear of rejection and feeling ashamed left me often shy and insecure in expressing my honest feelings and needs.
I suppressed my anger, grief, and sadness in order to survive and assimilate in the new environment. I didn’t have the language and awareness that I was coping with the traumatic experience of the loss over my origin culture, my previous world, and my birth mother’s unknown. As a result, I immersed myself in a different reality through drawing and the fantasy world in my books. It wasn’t until adulthood that I started to question my behavior, emotions, and beliefs more.
Who am I, where am I from, where do I belong?
Longing to find answers and self-acceptance.
When I turned 18 I looked into the mirror and was all of a sudden awakening to my Korean-ness and adoptee self, and questions like “Who am I? Where am I from? Where do I belong?” The world was wide open for me, but I felt like it was falling apart; An inner voice started to raise many questions about my origin, biological parents, and cultural roots. Questions I couldn’t answer, but that left a heavy, frustrating, and upsetting feeling inside me that I couldn’t understand or name. I felt dissociated from my body, confused and lost in my emotions, and suffered from an identity crisis. When I tried to share with my parents, I struggled to express myself, and they reacted in shock and emotionally overwhelmed. I didn’t feel seen or validated and had to distance myself to connect with my story in my own way.
I left Germany to explore a different sense of self abroad. All of a sudden, it was so natural to blend in, find acceptance and social comfort amongst my new multicultural circles. Deep inside, though, I felt there is still something missing. I felt an inner yearning to explore my Korean origin and find some answers.
Visiting Korea was surprisingly comforting but also very confusing. I remember stepping out of the subway in Seoul, looking around, and realizing, WOW this is how I LOOK— like a cultural mirror, that had to remind me of my Korean-ess. I was confronted with what it means to be Korean and questions like,—how can I reclaim my Koreaness when I don’t even speak the language and don’t know how to navigate the social codes—and how can I do this my way, removing external expectations?
And do I even want to be Korean? Here, I also didn’t feel I belonged.
Connecting to the motherland of my roots also brought up feelings of loss, grief, sadness, and melancholy that I couldn’t identify until being back in Germany.
This is me, Sun Mee!
Finding True Belonging within.
Coming back to Germany after my first visit to Korea, I immersed myself in research and literature on identity formation and adoption. It helped me to start understanding on a mental level first what I was going through. Creative writing and visualizing my inner world allowed me to express my creative self and find artistic refuge for my unexplored feelings.
Moreover, I recognized that I needed to CLAIM AND CREATE INTENTIONAL SPACE and time for myself to truly feel into my story’s complexity. As a recovering perfectionist and overachiever, it took me some time to seek help from outside. Playing strong and independent wasn’t working anymore and I got frustrated with my internal fears that kept blocking me from truly living a fulfilled life. SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT in the form of life coaching and cognitive therapy was very helpful. However, I realized the limitations of talk therapy and learned that we can not talk our way out of trauma since it is stored in our bodies. Exploring HOLISTIC HEALING MODALITIES that connect the Mind with the Body AND the Soul was the missing link in my healing journey.
Finding VALIDATION and honest CONNECTION in the local and online ADOPTEE COMMUNITY and reconnecting to my adoptive parents with love, understanding, and compassion for one another has been an integral part of my healing.
It’s been an intense and spiritual journey of self-discovery and transformation, riding waves of discomfort as well as blissful moments. They all have shifted me into who I have become and am still evolving.
I made sense of my story.
I embrace my adoptee self as part of my WHOLENESS.
I found true belonging within, which allowed me to find it with my husband, my family, close friends, and the adoptee community.
I turned my pain into purpose.
My healing journey also allowed me to find professional belonging and let me step into my true calling: I quit my corporate work and founded NUMARU—A Community Space and Holistic Support Program for transracial Adoptees. My mission is to share my learnings and hold compassionate space for fellow adoptees in their healing journey.
Adoption is a life-long growth journey. But, we can learn to navigate it with MORE CALM, CLARITY, COMPASSION, COURAGE and CONFIDENCE!
You are NOT broken. All of you makes SENSE!
Do you believe so too?
If you are in doubt, let’s connect.
Message me via sunmee@numaru.space
❤︎ I am excited to connect with YOU.
Warmly, Sun Mee.
