4 Steps to befriend ADOPTEE GRIEF

For a long time, I avoided that heavy and depressing feeling inside of me and my body. I didn’t know what it was and I thought something is wrong with me. It wasn’t present at all times, so I brushed it off, kept busy, and pretended everything was fine. Inside though, I felt alone and stuck with this feeling that I didn’t know what it was. Learning that it must be related to my losses and adoptee pain, and GRIEF was an AHA-Moment, and the first step to do something about it. Unfortunately, we live in a western society, where grief is a taboo topic and there’s not much open conversation about it—especially not about disenfranchised adoptee grief. So, I hope this mini-guide helps you to start befriending our adoptee grief with the steps that have been helpful for me and adoptees I’ve worked with.

But first, let’s understand:

What is disenfranchised adoptee grief? 

It’s a concept first presented in 1989 by Kenneth Doka, Ph.D., and refers to the feeling of sadness or loss that adoptees experience but which is not recognized, socially validated, or publicly mourned.

This can occur when adoptees are not allowed to grieve the loss of their birth family, culture, or identity because they are expected to be grateful for their new family and opportunities. 

It can also occur when adoptees experience grief related to their adoption but are not able to express it because it may be seen as a rejection of their adoptive family or a lack of appreciation for the life they have been given. 

Disenfranchised grief can be a complex and difficult experience for adoptees, and it is important for adoptive families and society as a whole to recognize and support the emotional needs of adoptees.

Why you might avoid or numb feelings of GRIEF:

FEAR OF YOUR INNER WORLD and FEELING PAIN  
GUILT towards your adoptive parents that you might appear as not “grateful”. 
OVERWHELM of not knowing how to process GRIEF.